forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
They have beer where we have blood.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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