K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Randomize
