I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
