you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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