"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
