his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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