youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
