Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
