Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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