I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
