i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
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