soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
