He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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