Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? šš
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He was all āplease donāt bail because Iām missing work for thisā last night
Honey no, I need dick. Iām not going to bail
Randomize
