we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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