Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize