he puts the penis in happiness.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You may now shotgun with the bride
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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