The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
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