she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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