he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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