I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Of course I have a pirate flag
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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