the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
