I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
I touched a dick in church today
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
