it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
