i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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