True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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