Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
