So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
