I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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