gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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