i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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