pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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