i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
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