the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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