Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Randomize
