it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
There's always time for handjobs
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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