imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
