I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
