Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
