Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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