just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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