Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
