I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
