He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
