whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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