I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize