Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
