I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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