mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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