So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
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