Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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