the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Randomize