I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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