you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
